


Straight people are real, Dave

by godlessAdversary



Series: Acceptance AU [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave is pansexual, F/M, John is a straight token character, M/M, Pansexual Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:30:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godlessAdversary/pseuds/godlessAdversary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is unable to understand why John is the only non queer person in his group of friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Today:

“I can’t believe that doofus is marrying Serket.” Karkat says while sitting on the couch and starting the television. “However, I am happy for him.”

“Yeah.”

You sit next to him and stare into the screen with the fake cool expression you use to cover your anxiety.

“Dave, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Dave, that is a commercial of the new Muppets movie; you hate Muppets, remember?”

You realize that Kermit and Ms. Piggy are making out and now you are disturbed. Why did John decide to marry her? Okay, you are being selfish right now, but really, after all these years is he still going to continue this corny old school game of the stereotypical white straight guy?

“Are you having one of your internal monologues about John’s sexuality? We have talked about this many times with everyone, John isn’t gay, and he isn’t in any of the LGBTQ letters.”

“I know he likes women, but no one can be that straight.”

“Are you sure you aren’t projecting something?”

Karkat is right, you have been blaming John and many others for so long.

 

Dave Strider

Age: 8

_“Mr. Strider, your brother has been causing problems again!”_

_The teacher is going to say what you did, and Bro is going to beat you up like he does every time you do something stupid._

_“What did that brat did this time?”_

_Oh no, he is mad now!_

_“We were having a normal Valentine’s Day card exchange, and he gave a card to one of the other boys!”_

_Now you are remembering some of the kids saying horrible things, like “freak”, “homo”, and “pussy”._

_“Is that all? I thought he made a prank or was failing at math.”_

_“Mr. Strider, there is ethics that must be respected…”_

_“See you later, I have to buy something for dinner to avoid that imp from starving.”_

_During all the travel back home, Bro didn’t speak about what happened, he just was whistling one of the Muppets’ songs._

_“Bro, are you mad?”_

_“Mad about what? That you find dudes attractive? That isn’t bad.”_

_You are relieved that he accepts you the way you are._

_Three hours later._

_“Bro!”_

_“Hang in there for a few more minutes. You have to learn what happens when you lie to me about your grades.”_

_Maybe your Bro accepts your liking for boys, but he is still a douchebag that traps you inside a room with scary puppets._

 

“It turns out Bro is gayer than me, but that doesn’t excuse his negligence towards me.”

“Okay, I get that you had a shitty childhood and that kids bullied you, but what does this has anything to do with John?”

“I am coming to that part of the story.”


	2. Dave meets John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave tells Karkat about his friendship with John.

Age: 10

_John and you met at a comic convention in Seatle, where Jim Henson’s animatronics of Dinosaurs were in exposition. He was wearing a silly Link costume, and I was wearing Geordi La Forge’s visor for ironic purposes. After some shenanigans involving your brother fighting with guy over who is the coolest muppet, and some dude named Hussie riding a horse inside the convention center, you and John became friends and added each other to Pesterchum._

 

EB: dave, help!

TG: whats up egbert

EB: i think a boy likes me!

TG: who doesn’t like you you are nice

EB: dave, he asked me out, but I had to say to him that I am not a homosexual. I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.

TG: dude you cant say you aren’t homosexual as an excuse for breaking someones heart you have to say something smart like sorry i am not interested or I like someone else

EB: but I am not a homosexual, dave! anyway, what can I do apologize for not being attracted to him?

 

“This is part of the story that gets uncomfortable, Karkat. I used to have a crush on John.”

“Do you think that is awkward? I was the boy that was trying to flirt with him!”

You and Karkat look at each other with expressions that fit a big revelation.

“Dude, it really is weird that we both got “friendzoned” by John.”

“The friendzone isn’t real, Dave.”

“That is why I emphasized it with my fingers. I can’t blame the guy for being straight, but he is so clueless that I want to knock him in the head with a pan.”

 

Age 13:

_Having a sleep over at John’s house is fun, and better than staying with Bro. Your good for nothing brother is probably spending a lot of money trying to do an erotic version of Don’t Hug Me I Am Scared, and it will take him three weeks to finish that project._

_“This is the best part!” John is excited about a scene of a movie named Conair that you have heard it is really stupid._

_“Is that all? The guy spent all day fighting criminals in an airplane and all we get is him reuniting with his boring girlfiend?”_

_“And their kid. It is a heartwarming scene, Dave.”_

_“Yeah, but they haven’t talked in years. Do they even still love each other? This seems forced.”_

_“Well, they are the main couple of the story.”_

_“The only couple, John. ‘Oh Poe, I missed you so much but I understand that you had to save a black dude that was a jerk the whole time’.”_

_“I am sorry hummingbird, but I had to team up with John Cusack to save the day.”_

_Both you and John mocked some parts of the movie and sung the credits song so loud that even his dad had to tell you to go to sleep._

_“We are an awesome team, Dave.”_

_“We are action heroes and we don’t need girls in our team.”_

_“What about Rose and Jade?”_

_“They are honorary bros, so they are fine?”_

_“Oh my god, I have an idea! We can marry them and be a family!”_

_That was a moment that hurt you a lot._

_“I can marry Rose and you can marry Jade, and because Rose is your sister and Jade is my cousin we can be like brothers!”_

_Please, stop John._

_“Dude, I am not comfortable talking about… the girls.”_

_You aren’t comfortable with the idea that if you kiss Jade you would be thinking about kissing John. She is really cute, but… you are gay and that is something you can’t quit being._

 

“For the next few years I had to see how John was being the stereotypical gentleman to Rose, and I was so cruel that I didn’t told him she is a pure lesbian. Then, I started many relationships trying to forget about that bad experience, and I discovered that I am a pansexual.”

“We both know about our mutual situations with Jade and Terezi.”

“That is a story a writer should write later. Right now John is the focus of this story.”

“Dave, are you sure you aren’t avoiding something here?”

Karkat gets up from the sofa and stretches his arms.

“Did you really moved on?” he asks you seriously and you can’t answer for some pathetic reason. “That is what I thought.”

Karkat walks upstairs and you are left to reflect about your mental problems.


	3. The Gayest Dream Ever!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title sumarizes this chapter.

Dave’s POV:

John is looking nervous at the sight of his lusty bride, and you know he is going to be doomed if nothing stops this foolishness.

“If there is someone that has a reason for this union to not be made, speak now or silence forever.”

“I have something against this union!” you scream and everyone in the room gasps in unison. “I can’t let the man I love waste his life in unholy matrimony!”

“Oh F=Dave, I love you two!” John flies to your arms and gives you a big kiss. “I was so wrong in being straight that I ignored you all these years.”

“What the fuck?!” Vriska turns into a demonic grey woman with orange horns and many spider legs, and she is really pissed. “You aren’t going to steal my groom, hipster scum! I am going to make him have heterosexual sex with me to have spider babies, and then eat his head for nourishment!”

You and John run together out of the rampage caused by Vriska, and drive away in a limousine with the letter “Just married” in the back. This is the best day of your life.

“What now?” asks John in an anticlimactic moment.

“What about what now?”

“We escaped from all our friends and relatives, so what now?”

You didn’t thought about this that much.

“Well, we could move to another town, gets jobs and have all the gay sex we want.”

“But Dave, what about your career in music and my career in computer sciences? I studied years to learn about coding and I still need to get my PhD to work as a researcher.”

“We could save some money, and there are internet courses. John, as long as we love each other and have Netflix to entertain ourselves there is nothing that can stop us.”

“But what about Karkat?”

Oh shit.

“… Things didn’t work between us.”

“I thought you loved him.”

Why is this happening?

“I love you.”

“Then Karkat wasn’t that important to you.”

You slap John across his face. However, your hand doesn’t feel solid at all. What the hell is happening?

“So you really never loved me?”

You turn around and see Karkat wearing a dress and with lipstick. This is so messed up right now.

“Karkat…”

“I understand. I will leave you to your happiness.”

You run as fast as you can but your legs feel heavy and you can only move a few centimeters per second. Karkat is walking away slowly, but he is faster than you, and your heart is aching with every step.

“I WAS WRONG, KARKAT! I LOVE YOU!”

He isn’t listening to you.

“I AM SORRY! I AM SORRY! I AM SORRY!”

The floor is cracking and then everything breaks like glass. There is only a void with colorful cracks and many bubbles that remind you to the aquarium Bro took you to a visit once.

“What is this place?”

One bubble comes your way and you enter a sea of cold waters that makes your mouth taste salty. Is this the afterlife? Or is this a dream? Maybe both? You end up in a coast with a night sky over you.

“I don’t remember there been two moons in the sky.”

Just as you stand up, you see two people in a hill looking at the sky. Maybe they are lovers?

“Don’t they look adorable?” a voice says behind you.

You turn around and see… Aradia? Why does she has ram horns? Why is she wearing a fairy dress?

“Why are you in my dreams? I know I see you as attractive, but…”

“Dreams work in weird ways, Dave.”

“Anyway, what can you tell me about those two?”

“They are one of the most stable couples in the dream bubbles, and I haven’t seen such chemistry in the history of Paradox Space.”

You look closer and see a younger version of you and a younger version of Karkat. They are cuddling and laughing, and now you feel like a fool. What are you doing with your life? You have a boyfriend that loves you and that you love back, and you aren’t going to throw away that for a petty childhood crush.

 

You wake up in the sofa and stand up to do what you must do.

 

Bedroom.

Karkat is sleeping like an angel, and you rest next to him while caressing his hair.

“Huh?” Karkat wakes up and looks at you. “Dave?”

“Sup, Karkitty?”

“I am trying to sleep, Dave.”

Before he can rest his head again, you put a hand over his shoulder and approach to kiss him.

“You were right, I was a dumbass obsessed with a childhood crush.”

Your tongues tangle with each other, and Karkat puts a hand inside your underwear.

“You still need to compensate me for making me sleep alone.” Karkat is grinning devilishly.

He eyes to a box with the label “DON’T TOUCH!”

“Oh shit.”

 

The next morning.

You woke up with a big pain in your ass. How did Karkat got a big a strap on?

“I told you I wanted the full man on man experience, Dave.”

“I believe you now. Agh!”

During breakfast you two discussed about current topcis: the wedding of John and Vriska, and the pregnancy of Rose.

“So, why hasn’t Kanaya got the SRS yet?”

“Money doesn’t grow on trees Strider. She started hormone blockers when she was little and started HRT in high school. For good luck, the Maryams have good genes and she got as curvy as Mom and Porrim.”

“That makes me ask, what happened to Dolorosa’s husband?”

“The asshole abandoned them when it was revealed that Porrim was a lesbian and Kanaya was trans. Now I am the man of the house.”

“You have to protect the lesbians of this country, my small knight.”

“Fuck you.”

“Later, my ass still hurts.”

Maybe this isn’t a manic pixie dream men story, but having a domestic life with Karkat is something you wouldn’t change for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I finished this story I will continue the story of Jade as an atheist.

**Author's Note:**

> This story will be continued when I have time and inspiration.


End file.
